Friday, March 18, 2016

Infertility-The Silent Struggle

Be warned...I'm about to get real.  As I write about infertility my hope and prayer is to expose you to the real gut pain that is happening to so many couples.  I can only share with you my experience, but my prayer is that if you are currently in the middle of infertility you can find hope in that you are not alone.  If you are just reading this blog, my prayer is that your heart becomes more tender to the pain of infertility.

I titled this post "The Silent Struggle" because that is what infertility is; a struggle no one wants to talk about.

It is usually by year 3 of marriage with no kids that people start to whisper when you walk around them.  I get it. Curiosity gets the best of me too.  Most of the time it is people who so badly wish for a couple to have kids because it is such a great thing.  What they don't realize is those whispers are painful.

Why are they painful?  Because all of a sudden you are put on an island with a giant bright light shown on you.  You are exposed.  The most precious and intimate part of your marriage is on display for the world to see.  Only you didn't agree to this.

No way would you want to struggle month after month with not having kids.
No way would you want to have awful feelings of inadequacy plaque your mind.
No way would you want to be the only one of your married friends not having kids.
No way would you want to have the pity eyes placed on you.
No way would you want to....the list is endless.

This is a personal struggle.  One that is so private that should be shared with your husband. Only now, the world is starting to notice and is starting to talk.  They don't necessarily talk to you to see how you are doing, because they don't want to offend you.  Instead they talk about you and how awful they feel for you.  Now don't get me wrong, most of the time it comes from a very loving and concerning heart.  It's just not always executed well.

So what struggle silently.  As you walk through this very difficult part of life, you feel as if you are all alone.  You want to sit and talk with someone else who gets it, but who?  So instead you sit there, quietly.  Crying with each passing month knowing just a bit more of your hope is dying too.

You struggle wondering what you have done in life to have deserved this.  You struggle wondering why God would allow this to happen to you.  You wonder why people who don't want to have kids get pregnant and have an abortion, yet you cannot get pregnant.  You wonder, will my husband leave me because I cannot bear a child for him.  You struggle with self-worth, depression, anxiety, and loneliness. 

For those of you walking through infertility surrounded by a fog and completely confused...I get it.  I've been there.  In those darkest years when a piece of me died each month, I held on to one thing...a rope.

God gave me a picture that I still use when I face trying times.  I want to share it with you.  

You are in a pit.  A really cold,dark, scary one.  All you want to do is get out of that painful pit.  When all of a sudden you look up and you see a small hole of light.  That is where you want to go.  As you begin to focus more on that hole you notice a rope.  You notice that rope could take you out of the pit and into the light.  That rope is named "hope".  "Hope" that is placed there by God.  You see on the other side of that rope is Jesus holding on to it so you wont fall.  He believes in you and wants you to believe and be hopeful. 

You grab that rope and begin to climb.  You start climbing and begin to make progress when all of a sudden something happens and you slip.  You recover and begin climbing again.  Again, you slip and fall further than before. Determined to make it to the top you keep climbing.  Time and time again you slip falling further and further away from the light, from the promise.

Time has passed and you are exhausted.  Your body and mind are fatigued.  You have fallen so far that the only thing that remains is one tiny thread of that rope.  The very last string of hope.  Determined you hold on to that rope.  As you hold on, you hear a voice saying.  "Hang on!  Don't let go!  I believe in you and have hope for you."  You muster up the very little strength you have left and you hang on. You tell yourself, "do not let go of the thread, it is your lifeline!"

Eventually, you make it to the top.  Exhausted, sore muscles and ripped up hands you lay flat looking up at the sun.  It seems brighter, warmer, fresher.  The climb was hard, painful and discouraging at times.  But you didn't let go, and you are stronger for it.  

Whatever your life issue, we all have them.  We may not understand what someone else is walking through, but one thing we all understand is pain.  So if you are walking through pain, I'm sorry.  I understand pain.  I want to encourage to you find your rope of hope.  

What/who is the rope in your life?  Allow God to hold on to your rope and pull you up. And  always remember...Don't let go of your Lifeline. He is your hope.

You are loved.

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

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